I shall make another attempt to put into print some of the thoughts and feelings I have had most of my life. Perhaps there is something here that can help someone else with their travels. Forgive me my ramblings.
There was a time ( prior to adolescence ), when I wished that I was not my sister's brother, but instead her sister. I always felt like I identified with her and the female me, but not the male me. I wanted to join in with her and her friends, to play with them and their dolls and their toys. I had no interest in boy toys. I would even sneak the pleasure of some of the forbidden fruit ( as often as possible ). I just couldn't fathom out why I wanted that. I only knew that the way I felt, was not how I was presenting, and that was a bit scary. The little world that I grew up in would not, at least in my mind, allow me to present the female me, with those that I felt the closest ties to. To this day, no one knows any of this. OOPS!
Back then I had never met anyone or heard about anyone saying that they were a female inside. Wish I had known more. I felt all alone and like an alien. I just plain didn't fit. Everything I felt was simply foreign to me. There was nothing to relate it all to.
Now, my life wasn't all doom and gloom. All in all, I had a pretty good childhood, not a horrible one. I didn't feel this way on a daily basis by any means, and I thank God for that now, but often enough to be able to have those feelings surface periodically. I guess I was pretty good at hiding my feelings, burying them pretty deep, at least deep enough to put it all on hold for extended periods of time ( only to resurface again _ and again _ and again ).
In my early teens some of those feelings did surface again. I even tried to make some clothing for myself ( couldn't afford to buy them ), by myself ( of course, and I won't go into detail as to what I made ). I actually got to be pretty good with my mother's sewing machine ( at least as good as a teenager could ). I would find scraps of material in my mother's sewing stuff, and piece things together. I actually had a couple of things turn out half way cute. IMHO! I loved how it felt to feel like a girl when I wore these creations. I would try them on and felt like a teenage princess, at least for a while. Then it was back into hiding again for as long as I could manage.
Here come the full blown teen years: LOOK OUT!!!
A drivers license and my own car, oh wow, new found freedom! I found the freedom that would allow me to explore a little bit more of who ( and what ) I was. I never went too far with this exploration though, fear can keep you from doing many things. We lived in a very small town and my parents new just about everyone in town. If anyone saw me or my siblings doing something wrong, not that what I was doing was wrong, just not what was considered normal, well, it got back to our parents, pronto.
There was a time ( prior to adolescence ), when I wished that I was not my sister's brother, but instead her sister. I always felt like I identified with her and the female me, but not the male me. I wanted to join in with her and her friends, to play with them and their dolls and their toys. I had no interest in boy toys. I would even sneak the pleasure of some of the forbidden fruit ( as often as possible ). I just couldn't fathom out why I wanted that. I only knew that the way I felt, was not how I was presenting, and that was a bit scary. The little world that I grew up in would not, at least in my mind, allow me to present the female me, with those that I felt the closest ties to. To this day, no one knows any of this. OOPS!
Back then I had never met anyone or heard about anyone saying that they were a female inside. Wish I had known more. I felt all alone and like an alien. I just plain didn't fit. Everything I felt was simply foreign to me. There was nothing to relate it all to.
Now, my life wasn't all doom and gloom. All in all, I had a pretty good childhood, not a horrible one. I didn't feel this way on a daily basis by any means, and I thank God for that now, but often enough to be able to have those feelings surface periodically. I guess I was pretty good at hiding my feelings, burying them pretty deep, at least deep enough to put it all on hold for extended periods of time ( only to resurface again _ and again _ and again ).
In my early teens some of those feelings did surface again. I even tried to make some clothing for myself ( couldn't afford to buy them ), by myself ( of course, and I won't go into detail as to what I made ). I actually got to be pretty good with my mother's sewing machine ( at least as good as a teenager could ). I would find scraps of material in my mother's sewing stuff, and piece things together. I actually had a couple of things turn out half way cute. IMHO! I loved how it felt to feel like a girl when I wore these creations. I would try them on and felt like a teenage princess, at least for a while. Then it was back into hiding again for as long as I could manage.
Here come the full blown teen years: LOOK OUT!!!
A drivers license and my own car, oh wow, new found freedom! I found the freedom that would allow me to explore a little bit more of who ( and what ) I was. I never went too far with this exploration though, fear can keep you from doing many things. We lived in a very small town and my parents new just about everyone in town. If anyone saw me or my siblings doing something wrong, not that what I was doing was wrong, just not what was considered normal, well, it got back to our parents, pronto.
After high school, we all moved out west to a much larger town ( actually a city ). Now I had even more freedom to explore. But I think I'll leave that post for the next time.
Don't you just love these serial posts? Plus it will give me more time to gather my thoughts.
Throughout all of this reflection, I have come to know, without a doubt, that I have always been and always will be a woman. I praise my Lord for allowing me to be born this way, otherwise, I would not have experienced the wonders and heartaches of both genders. ( there are both ... you just have to look ).
Hugs to everyone, XOXO
Ps: Does this sound like you've heard it all before??? It's beginning to , to me. I guess there are only so many stories in the Naked City.
