Thursday, October 11, 2012

Transsexual, Transgender Dissertation!

Hi everyone, I'm still here.

I just received an email from an Amy Rotherforth. She is asking to interview me as well as other transgender/transsexual people for a research dissertation paper. Has anyone else received this email, and if so, does anyone know anything about her. She sounds legitimate, but it would be nice to hear from someone who actually knows her. She certainly sounds like she could be an ally for our community.

Here for your reading pleasure is the email that I received, just in case anyone has not received it:

Hi, I have found your e-mail on your blog; I hope you don’t mind me getting in contact with you! J This email is a little long, really sorry about that, I just wanted to make sure everything I can think of is said!

Anyway, a little bit about me, my name is Amy Rotherforth. I’m from Yorkshire in England and studying Psychology with Counselling studies at the University of Huddersfield. I am in my final year and have to complete an 8000 word research dissertation on any topic. My research interest is the transgender and transsexual community and I hope after completing this final year at uni I will work as a psychologist/therapist working with individuals undergoing transition and also the aftercare of patients undergoing sexual reassignment surgery.

My interest on this topic comes from people I have met who are transgender, TV programmes, blogs and academic research. I feel that there isn’t enough research and hope that through people speaking about and educating others on trans issues more and more; the discrimination and transphobia which is still out there could be greatly reduced! (In a perfect world, disappear!) I myself am not transgender or transsexual but I consider myself an ally. Throughout my career I hope to make a difference to the lives of people and feel very strongly and passionate about it. I feel that the social barriers and the conflicts which individuals have to go through to live in the gender they chose e.g. coming out, family issues, spouse issues, jobs, ignorant people etc. are all issues which need to be addressed and people’s attitudes need to be challenged. 

To give a bit of information on the research… I have to submit an ethical approval on the 17th November to the university so that they can monitor us and make sure we’re doing everything to the book. So I won’t be able to start with the research until early December, I’m just writing now to see if any participants are interested J It will be an interview, nothing too personal and won’t be too long! It can be done in anyway you find easiest, skype, phone, instant messenger, email, letter, you choose J any questions which you don’t want to answer can be left, you can also change your mind at anytime throughout the whole process and your data will be destroyed. It will all be kept anonymous and you can have full access to the results when its done if you would like J The interview questions will be about gender identity, discrimination and your stance on surgery and treatment. The full aims and questions will be put to a focus group who can assist me in deciding if the questions are appropriate and I can give you more detail about all that after the ethics approval when everything will come together (on the 17th October)! 
If you feel you would like to help me and take part, would you please respond and just let me know, and then in December I can make a start! To make you feel more comfortable I can answer any question you may have, I can also leave my university email which is if you would feel more comfortable using that one. Any question you have, or information you would like about me or the project is more than welcome J Also, if you don’t feel comfortable in answering questions but could help me by being part of my focus group (helping me before I start, deciding on appropriate questions) then also let me know, any help is much appreciated J 

Thanks for reading , hope this all makes sense, hope to hear from you!

Hope to hear from anyone who has received this email, and what they may or may not know about her, or just your thoughts about the whole matter. 



PS: I have Amy's personal email address also, if anyone would like it. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Relationships~Male To Female~Female To Female~My/Our Dilemma

Heeeeere's Cynthia!

Hello everyone,

I am sorry that it has taken me all this time to get back here with something actually worth saying, but, ever since divulging some of the things I have so far... well... I haven't had all that much to talk about. Actually that's not entirely true~but some things are very hard to talk about. Maybe this really isn't worth writing about~but I'm going to do it anyway~because this is important to me~even if to no one else... except maybe Halle... Halle, I hope you can find something in here to comment about. I look forward to hearing from you, as I always do.

The past few months have been, to say the least, crazy. Lots of ups and downs. I have made mention of how accepting my wife has been of this whole transgender/transsexual thing I have thrust upon her. Well, it turns out she is both understanding/not understanding. Maybe 'understanding/not understanding' isn't the right phrase to use. More like 'accepting/not accepting', or maybe just plain uncomfortable because she doesn't know enough about this to be able to understand what is going on inside of me. I guess that does mean 'understanding/not understanding'. duh:)

I have tried to be as honest and up front and provide as much information for her as I can come up with. I think I may need to do a better job on the information part so that she/we can develop a better understanding together of who and what I really am, although... I'M SURE I know WHO and WHAT I am. I've known one thing for sure for almost six decades~regardless of the fact that I didn't know the technical aspects of it... and some buried memory... until the last few years... I AM A FEMALE!... albeit, impersonating a male.

Now~my wife has been somewhat aware of my predispositions ( although not technically ) as I have for most, if not all of our forty years of marriage, shown a propensity to wear some articles of women's clothing ( undies to be exact ). Still~with her witnessing this behavior of mine~I managed to keep her ( and myself ) in the dark as to just what was really going on in my head ( some hiding of the truth and of course denial ). I had no idea that there was a medical term for what I felt and who I believed I was. I just believed I was some kind of weirdo or freak who believed it was much more prudent and necessary to hide my feelings, sans the undies, and simply try to be what was expected of a male in my day. We're all great actors~aren't we? Well... up to a point that is. If you have been reading any of my writing, you might remember, from a prior post, that I did a very convincing job of burying my own feelings so deep, that even I forgot some of the things that happened in my past.

Now... I told you all of that so that I could tell you all of this... and to get to that part from which the title for this post is derived.

I think where things have become a bit sticky is... my wife says she doesn't know what her role or place is in our relationship now ( sounds pretty reasonable to me ), as she still sees me as a man~her husband. After all, that's the role I've been playing all these years. She has told me that she worries about me wanting to separate and go off and be with a man as that is what women usually want in a relationship.  I have tried very hard to erase her fears of my wanting to have anything at all to do with a man. Because I am still physically a male ( haven't transitioned ), my Christian beliefs will in no way allow me to enter into a homosexual relationship with a man. The only way I could ever be with a man would be if I was to transition fully to the woman I know that I am, and then, only if that is what my brain tells me my preference is at that point in time. For the record, my preference up till now, has been, and is, female. And I see absolutely nothing changing with said preference in the foreseeable future. Why? That's just the way it is. I have no further explanation.

Also for the record: My wife has expressed that she understands that I could never be happy again if I had to present as a male 100% of the time ( acceptance? I don't know... ). As things are right now, my wife says I can dress quasi female most of the time and every now and then present as male again just for her. I think this is about as good as I am going to get at this time and stage of our marriage as the alternative is not very appealing. Actually, I'm finding this arrangement to be mostly reasonable, as it allows me the opportunity to be my female self... most of the time... rather than the minority of the time... or not at all.

Also, for the record: We still have a fairly physical relationship... that is... we hug and kiss and hold hands all of the time.

But~ here is where the sticky gets even stickier. Here we go...

...If I believe myself to be a woman~and I do, of that there is no doubt~and I want to stay married to my wife~which I do, and again there is no doubt~am I now engaging in a lesbian ( homosexual ) relationship ( which my wife does not want )? Remember~I have not transitioned~so I do not have any physical female characteristics except for some superficial things like maybe my clothes, a little make-up perhaps, some mannerisms, or my hair, etc. The question now is~am I going against God's Word and my beliefs as a Christian and engaging in a lesbian/homosexual relationship after all? This is the sixty-four thousand dollar question! If anyone has any thoughts on this~please feel free to comment and help me out.

Right now I see myself as a woman who is~in this alien body called male~very much in love with and wanting to stay with my wife. Can this relationship be termed lesbian/homosexual on the basis of what is between my ears, and in my heart and soul? According to my research and my knowledge of the Bible, homosexuality is a sin punishable by stoning... at least in biblical days. Now this is my/our dilemma.

Now~If circumstances~that is, family, money, work, church... oh boy!... excuse me... oh girl!... ( and the list gets longer )~were different~I firmly believe that I would be giving some serious consideration to transitioning. Skip the serious consideration~you know it~I'm sure I'd opt for transitioning! But alas~not to be~not at this time. I would give my eye teeth to be oh so much younger and know what I know now. Wouldn't that be the case with a lot of us?

I have also told my wife, very emphatically, that I don't believe I could ever live my life without her by my side. Not after forty years of marriage and a long and strong Christian lifestyle, and of course my undying love for her, which has had its' own way of developing the kind of relationship we have. She is my world and more important to me than my own life. I would not hesitate to give up my life in her stead.

So~where does all of this lead? I wish I knew exactly~as again, this is my/our dilemma.

Halle, I now feel pretty sure I have the answer that I know Is correct for my situation, and mine only ( Biblically speaking ). My belief that the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, everlasting Word of God ( and what I live by ) is making the answer very clear to me, but I certainly can't speak for anyone else. 

I wish I could provide more answers on this subject, as I'm sure there are more girls out there with the same or similar questions that need answering. Any of you Bible scholars out there are more than welcome... and I do mean welcome... to comment here about this and anything pertaining to this. Just be sure to give the Bible references for your comments pertaining to what the Bible actually says. I look forward to hearing from all of you and researching those answers!

Hugs to one and all.


Saturday, May 12, 2012

~Happy Mother's Day~

Hi everyone,

Yeh, I'm still here.

Just wanted to stop for a minute and wish every one of us and our wives (who have children), and our mothers ( if you are still fortunate enough to have yours' still living~mine is not ) a wonderful Mother's Day!

             ~Happy Mother's Day!!!~

Hugs to all the mothers,


Monday, October 31, 2011

"Job, Job, My Kingdom for a Job"!


I have finally gotten a job! And after being out of work for only twenty months. The Lord has been so gracious, He has taken care of supplying our every need during this time of unemployment. I think He waited all this time because He was actually making up for all those vacations my wife and I were never able to take all those years past, and grouped them all into one giant vacation.

It was and is the most wonderful feeling to not have to worry about where the money was coming from all these months to pay the bills, when you know that the Lord is in complete control of your every need, and every aspect of your life.

While this isn't my idea of a dream occupation (what is?), at least I will be able to get off of unemployment and start back to earning my own way again. A girl has to know her own self worth. I thoroughly detested the fact that I was using a government financial aid program. I know it's there to help people in need, but it just never felt right. Something like playing the male role. And all of these different programs are just costing all of us taxpayers a raft of money, and bleeding everyone dry.

I want to thank everyone who has been praying about my job situation. Believe me when I say, your prayers have meant so much to us. The power of prayer is so awesome. Prayer can move mountains if we only believe and have faith.

Matthew 17: 20 So Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you".

Again, thank you one and all, for your prayers.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men"

The title says it all. At least from where I'm sitting.

I made mention of this in my last posting, so here are some of the details.

I had recently decided that I needed to write a letter to my wife. I didn't feel I could adequately explain my thoughts and feelings through speech. I'm just not very good at talking about personal things. Especially this: The secret that has been plaguing me for most of my life.

But...things didn't go according to plan. You know...'The best laid plans of mice and men.' It was either that one or 'Murphy's Law'.

The short of it...My wife now knows that I believe I am a woman...female...maybe I should probably just say girl. Haven't had time to mature into a woman yet. Baby steps first.    

Now, here's where the plans went astray.

It all happened after we watched that special on tv about some transgendered and transsexual children. My wife asked me why I wanted to watch this program. I said, rather sheepishly, I was just curious about it. She didn't say anything more at that time and she was real quiet during the show. Then, after the show ended, she asked me if that is what I wanted to be, a woman? Gasp! Wasn't expecting that question, but then I can be real naive. I inhaled and held my breath like never before. Somehow, I just couldn't lie and deny this issue any longer. I felt completely powerless to say anything other than the truth.

Something inside of me just kind of snapped and I let those fateful words out. [Deep inhale] I told my wife, "Not exactly something I want to be, but, Yes, I'm a female on the inside. That is what my heart and soul and brain have been telling me I am for as long as I can remember". I have been denying this for way too long and just plain skirting the issue. No pun intended. This was completely unplanned and unrehearsed. I honestly believe the Lord compelled me to finally tell the truth. I can't tell you how many years, and how many tears, I have cried up to this point. Honestly...I have been asking my Lord for forgiveness, not for who and what I am, but for lying and concealing the truth about who I really am...for a very, very, long time. I can tell you now, that I will never have to do that, ever again. There's a saying, actually a Bible verse, John 8:32 "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  I can certainly attest to that. Free to experience both happiness and sadness, all at the same time. But at least there aren't any lies or deception anymore. Praise the Lord!

I mentioned crying in a prior post. Well, I sat there crying my eyes out ( I cry at the drop of a hat anymore ), not because I was ashamed of who I am or anything like that. I'm not ashamed of anything, anymore. It's not my fault. All I felt was a flood of relief that I have never felt before in my life. I felt it...I really can't describe it anyway. My secret...Cynthia...had finally found her way out. She sure is a crafty gal ( but I already knew that ). Welcome home Cynthia! There was no turning back now. You can't take back what has, after a lifetime of denial, finally come out of your own mouth. 

Well, needless to say, things sort of hit the proverbial fan at this point. I won't tell you that she took this bit of news very well. I mean, here's my wife finding out that she has been married for forty years to a man (oops) who now says he believes he's a woman (female, anyway). How does any person take this kind of news? I don't even know how I would take this kind of news. Now, I'm not sure where this is all going, only the Lord knows the answers to that.

We have in a small way become closer because we are praying together more than ever and trying to share and understand each other's feelings about all of this. I can see that I've opened up a whole new and different way of life for us that is going to require a great deal of prayer...more than our usual.

I have believed, known, felt, whatever, that I am a female in the wrong body. I have felt this for most of my life, at least off and on. In reality, more off than on. I explained why the [ off ] in a prior post...a lot of denial, and now, too many tears to reiterate here. 

This turn of events has brought with it some extraordinary happenings, and they're not all good. But who wants to hear all that negativity? You all know the things I'm talking about anyway, we all seem to have experienced some things in common, and I'd rather talk about the good things that are beginning to happen. 

I'm not sure why, but my wife is actually okay with me starting to dress the way I have always dreamed of, that of the real me, at least at home. Up till now I have never worn women's outer clothing. Well, guess what? We have been shopping for some clothes for me. My wife has even bought a couple of things on her own and given them to me. Unbelievable! Nothing fancy or real feminine, just some simple basic items. Now feminine attire is not entirely new to our marriage as I have worn women's under garments for many years, sometimes a real source of contention between us, because I could never bring myself to tell my wife the truth about who I am, and why I to wear these items, until now. All of my life I denied it, and I buried it, accept for an occasional instance. I finally lost the battle against all that denial, for good. Again, Praise the Lord!

We are having some very good days and some not so very good days. Terrific grammar, huh. I believe if we can keep up the lines of communication ( the Lord willing and the creeks don't rise ), we stand a good chance of winning this battle, not the whole war yet, just this particular battle. I'm sure there will be more to come. The Lord has been very gracious in that He has helped me to finally be able to talk about things that were, are, extremely difficult. I have never been able to talk about my feelings before because of all the denial. 

My wife has been somewhat amazed at the changes in me regarding my opening up and talking like never before. I think this change has had an immense impact on our relationship. To say her acceptance of any of this has been anything short of a miracle, is, well, unbelievable! Don't get me wrong, there's not total acceptance yet, but way more than I ever could have imagined. I have learned that she has known a lot more than she ever let on about my female side.

We are working very hard to make this work for us. I, for one, cannot imagine my life without my wife beside me. I have wasted far too much of our lives together due to denial and untruth. That is simply not acceptable any longer, and I am doing everything I possibly can to change that. 

I have to take this moment to praise my wife for the way she has accepted, at least partially, this part of me. She, and the Lord Jesus, have been so Gracious to me.

Back to that box of tissues. I had hoped they wouldn't be necessary this time. I was wrong.

I'm going to end this post now, before I lose it altogether, but I will try to write more as often as I can in the future. It seems that I feel much freer to be myself in my writing, now that my life long secret is no longer that, a secret. 

Hugs to one and all, and God Bless,


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

40th Anniversary

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you all know that my wife and I are celebrating our 40th anniversary today. And my wonderful wife now knows about me. Actually she found out about a month ago. She is being as supportive and helpful as I never would have believed. Things aren't perfect, but oh so much better than I ever dreamed possible. A lot of tears, hers and mine, but, our Lord Jesus Christ is working miracles beyond measure in our lives. The Lord is so Gracious.

I want to thank all of you out there who have been so supportive and helpful to me. I have learned so much from all of you and your blogs.

Hugs and prayers to everyone,

Cynthia  XX

Friday, September 16, 2011

"I am too a girl"!!!

Sorry I haven't had anything to say for awhile. A long while. Been doing a lot of mind and soul searching.

I need to say up front...this post has been extremely difficult to write and very time consuming. If anyone else has had even a similar experience ( oh please Lord, I hope not! ), my prayers go out to you.

With that said, here goes.

Now that I am being honest with myself in order to move ahead with some clarity, memories of my childhood have begun to slowly come up to the surface. Believe me when I say, I'm happy that it is only slowly and hasn't been like a flood gate opening. I've shed enough tears to make me believe it has been like the great flood of Noah's day. 

It's been difficult on one hand to accept some of the things that I have remembered, while at the same time, offering me a new found freedom. Freedom! I have been freed to find and learn more about Cynthia. About how and when she...we...I...came to be. About her dreams, her desires, what she's been doing with her life. And oh yeh, I found out she...we...I...cry a lot! A whole lot more than me...the other me, one of us anyway. Girls, can I cry! I've come to accept and actually enjoy my time crying. What better way to get to know someone? Now I almost never did before, cry that is. My crying as Cynthia is really stirring up some childhood memories and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm not sure how, but at least it seems to be working that way, so far.     
      Dang it already, where are my tissues? 

Now the more I remember things that happened to me and things that I did when I was very young, more and more details start coming back to me. So much of my memory has been buried for so long that it doesn't come back very easily. Too much, too fast, just might be disastrous. So, as I said before, slowly is working well for me right now ( praise the Lord! ).

 I will start out remembering something, and the next thing I know, Cynthia is whispering in my ear about something else. Talk about rabbit trails. It gets a little frustrating, but I'm trying really hard to trust Cynthia and remember all the things that happened to her back when, and I need to get all of these buried thoughts and memories out in the open where I can deal with them. Writing it all down here is helping...a lot!

I started remembering this incident from my childhood about a year ago, but only in bits and pieces. I had no idea what was coming. It took me a long time to sort out all of the details so I could make sense out of it. I just kept writing down these bits of information until I could put the pieces of the puzzle together and have it sound rational. Did I say rational? 

As I have said before, I had, what I can remember of it, an okay childhood. Mostly. Along the way there were a few bumps and less than terrific incidents, as I'm finding out. But this one long lost ( buried ) memory of something that happened when I was very young was extremely traumatic ( then and now ). But I felt that I needed to write it down in order to get it out of my system. It has been eating at me for a while now. I think if I remember any more like this one, I may need to see a shrink.      
I have wanted to remember, for quite some time now, when I first learned how and why I believed I was different. Most of my memories seemed to center around me mostly feeling different. But, why did I feel so different inside?  I always thought I was a girl, ( even though I was referred to as a boy ), and that was all I ever remember believing I was!  I seem to remember thinking that I should have been wearing a dress, and had longer hair, definitely not wearing boy clothes, and short hair. But I never really understood why I believed that. And why couldn't I wear a dress? I know now it's because I didn't know the real difference between boys and girls back then ( please, I was only 4 or 5, and naive, and I had never seen that real difference between boys and girls ). But...Girls...was I ever going to get an education! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I hope you don't think this next part is silly, because, believe me, it wasn't!

One day, I was playing with a few of the girls in the neighborhood ( after all, I was a girl...and didn't really like to play with boys. I mean, girls were nicer to play with than boys anyway, or so I thought ). I don't remember exactly what we were doing. I think we were playing with dolls ( I do remember, I loved to play with dolls ), but then the other girls decided they wanted to play Doctor instead. I had never played doctor before, so I didn't know how to play it. It sounded a little scary to me anyway. I mean, who likes to go to the doctor? Needles and all that stuff! Yuck! Well, I found out what it was all about...and...that I was at the other girls' mercy now. I think these girls were a little older than me and knew something that I didn't.

Well, here I am, learning how to play doctor. We're examining each other, like listening to each other's heart beat and we're putting bandages on each other's injuries, and checking reflexes with a hammer ( that can hurt ). Some memory, huh? Now, I seem to remember I was having fun. I mean, it seemed like a fun game, but as time went on, things got very interesting.

The girls I'm playing doctor with, along with probably being older, and smarter than me, now decided to add something to the game. They say this part of playing doctor is called...are you ready?...*I'll show you mine if you show me yours *. what's this all about? I think they had some ulterior motive behind this new introduction. Yeh, I think they knew something all along. Well, I have no idea what this is about either...until they explain! OH NO! GIRLS!  Have any of you ever played this? we are...and on the count of three, we all pull our panties down and show each other what we look like......... I can't believe what I see! This just isn't right! Is this what girls really look like? Not like me? Every one of them looks the same, but I sure don't look like them ( and I'm a girl too, Right?, Right! ). Now, as I remember, I kind of thought girls were different than boys ( though I really didn't know why or how ), but uh oh, I think I just found out. I couldn't believe how much different girls really were, especially down there that is, as compared to what I am showing off to everyone ( Ewww! ). And here I thought all along that I was a girl. Maybe I was just an average girl, but a girl just the same. Or so I thought. 

Now I know they already knew something!  And I get this awful feeling that maybe I am not a girl ( impossible?! ), and I realize that now I'm sure that I really don't like what I have between my legs  ( honestly...I don't remember ever really liking it...but why?). Now I've found out that I don't look like them and I'm supposed to look like them ( I'm a girl! ). And now I'm really confused and starting to think in my tiny little girl brain that something is very wrong. And I'm scared. Scared that somebody must have made a big mistake when I was born ( does anybody believe a little girl can think this is possible at this age? ). But how can that be? How can you be born a girl but have boy parts? This just isn't possible. Now, who says kids aren't smart? I think this is pretty darned intuitive for a 4 or 5 year old. what do I do? Here we all are with our panties down to our knees, and they are all pointing at me and giggling and laughing. Now they're saying..."You're not a girl!"..."You're a boy!"  And I yell back, "No I'm not!"  I try to tell them they're wrong, that "I am a girl!"..."I was born this way and...I am too a girl!"  How does a small innocent child think like this? Where does it come from? Talk about being traumatized. I didn't know why God would want a little girl to feel that kind of shame and humiliation. But that is exactly what they made me feel. At least at that time. I finally realized later, quite a bit later, that it was those girls who were so cruel to me!  It wasn't God. ( I have since forgiven all of them. )

I quickly pulled my panties up and I ran away from those girls and cried and cried. I seem to remember that I couldn't stop crying. I found a place to hide, where nobody could find me. I wanted to curl up and just go to sleep so I could get rid of the boy parts and wake up with all the right girl parts. Either that or die. I really remember wanting to die if I couldn't be a girl. Now the pain starts!

Well...I didn't get rid of the boy parts...or get girl parts...and I didn't die ( praise the Lord ). But I definitely believe now that this incident is why I buried so many memories so deep, for so long, and made them so hard to remember ( definitely not a good thing, but better than dying ). I think this was the last time, or almost the last time, that I remember playing with girls. Not by choice, by shame and humiliation.      
         Where did I put my tissues?

Ahh, the indomitable memory...and I found my tissues.  Indomitable: adjective; impossible to subdue or defeat, a woman of indomitable spirit. Isn't that what all of us are? I did have a change of heart later on and decide to like girls again and not hate them all for what those few girls did to me. After all...I'm a girl! That's right, I'm Cynthia!!!
Over this past year or so during which time I spent remembering this one incident, no longer is it maybe. I now strongly believe it was responsible for my playing boy from then on, at least for some of the time ( because in my heart, I was still a girl )

Then a few years went by and Cynthia showed up again. I think this is when I wished more than ever that I was a girl. I wanted so badly to be a sister to my brother and sister, and not be their brother. I so wanted to be like her. Play with her and her friends, not the boys in the neighborhood. Wishful hoping and praying, but not to be. Mind you now, I'm still very young and still don't understand who or what is going on inside of me. I simply believe I'm a girl inside, at least most of the time, but I know I don't look like one on the outside. This is all beginning to hurt again. Now, little girls wouldn't have any knowledge of GID or trans-anything back then. Still too young. I wouldn't even know to look for information or help. Not until many years later. 

So, now what do I do? 

I seem to remember thinking that my parents wouldn't be able to help me. I doubt seriously if they would have a clue as to what is going on inside of me. This is back in the mid '50's after all. So, I keep it to myself, pain and all. 

The next phase, I become a teenager, and like earlier, look out! Cynthia is back again...even stronger...and periodically throughout my teen years. I did write a little bit about my teens, but I'm going to leave the rest of that for later. I still have a lot more to remember about that time in my life. There are just too many holes in the picture still, but it's been getting a little clearer. 

For the following years, until now, I have been in boy or man mode. Eeewww! Yeh, great expectations. But periodically, Cynthia would come back into my life. I used to wonder why each time she came back, I always seemed to feel different, good, better, the best I would ever feel until now. She always presented me with some very good feelings and some strange feelings, but I always seemed to feel oh so much calmer and at ease when she was with me. Like I was finally experiencing the real me. I'm learning now why I felt those things. I'm truly learning to love this journey.

This has been, to date, the hardest thing in my life I can remember having to deal with. There may have been some others ( I don't remember them right now ), and there may very well be others to come ( I pray not ), at least not this traumatic. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed during the writing of this. It has taken me, off and on, the better part of this last year to put this together. Even before this blog. That's why I started this site. I had to have somewhere to store this saga.

Now I realize, these memories are always there, they aren't lost, only misplaced, or buried, mixed up for sure, and you never know when they are going to surface. As I accept more and more of these facts about myself, I seem to be able to remember more. I mentioned it earlier, it's called Freedom. Freedom to believe and accept that I really am a girl ( I have a lot of growing up to do ), no matter what any one else thinks or says. I really don't care what the label, I don't care what the term, and I don't give a rats behind what word or acronym is being bantered about and debated today. I REALLY DON'T CARE! I AM A GIRL! I AM CYNTHIA!!!  And I praise my Lord Jesus for what and who He has allowed me to be born as, and for the memories He is giving back to me, however joyous or painful they may be. I'm a better girl for it.          

So, with that said, I'm going to get another box ( or 12) of tissues...and I think I will buy some stock in Kimberly Clark or Kleenex, if these tears keep coming.

This brings me up to my previous post in the chronology of Cynthia. This may be a little difficult to follow as it's a little out of order, so please bear with me. Things are a little foggy still and out of sinc, but they are getting clearer all the time. I have to keep writing down these events as my memory digs them up from down there in the dungeons of gray matter. I'll try to put things in better order from now on, but don't hold your breath. After all, it keeps you all on your toes, doesn't it?

Wow!!! I can't believe how long this post has become. It's got to be a girl thing. Oh well, we girls just take longer to say what we want to, or in this case, need to. 

Remember I said at the beginning that this was extremely difficult to write? Well, after I finally got it all written down and read it through from start to finish, I felt so much relief. I got some of that pain out that I spoke of. I am finally beginning to find my heart and soul in Cynthia. One little memory at a time. This is certainly proving to be a most cathartic journey.

Bye for now, and hugs everyone,