Monday, October 31, 2011

"Job, Job, My Kingdom for a Job"!


I have finally gotten a job! And after being out of work for only twenty months. The Lord has been so gracious, He has taken care of supplying our every need during this time of unemployment. I think He waited all this time because He was actually making up for all those vacations my wife and I were never able to take all those years past, and grouped them all into one giant vacation.

It was and is the most wonderful feeling to not have to worry about where the money was coming from all these months to pay the bills, when you know that the Lord is in complete control of your every need, and every aspect of your life.

While this isn't my idea of a dream occupation (what is?), at least I will be able to get off of unemployment and start back to earning my own way again. A girl has to know her own self worth. I thoroughly detested the fact that I was using a government financial aid program. I know it's there to help people in need, but it just never felt right. Something like playing the male role. And all of these different programs are just costing all of us taxpayers a raft of money, and bleeding everyone dry.

I want to thank everyone who has been praying about my job situation. Believe me when I say, your prayers have meant so much to us. The power of prayer is so awesome. Prayer can move mountains if we only believe and have faith.

Matthew 17: 20 So Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you".

Again, thank you one and all, for your prayers.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men"

The title says it all. At least from where I'm sitting.

I made mention of this in my last posting, so here are some of the details.

I had recently decided that I needed to write a letter to my wife. I didn't feel I could adequately explain my thoughts and feelings through speech. I'm just not very good at talking about personal things. Especially this: The secret that has been plaguing me for most of my life.

But...things didn't go according to plan. You know...'The best laid plans of mice and men.' It was either that one or 'Murphy's Law'.

The short of it...My wife now knows that I believe I am a woman...female...maybe I should probably just say girl. Haven't had time to mature into a woman yet. Baby steps first.    

Now, here's where the plans went astray.

It all happened after we watched that special on tv about some transgendered and transsexual children. My wife asked me why I wanted to watch this program. I said, rather sheepishly, I was just curious about it. She didn't say anything more at that time and she was real quiet during the show. Then, after the show ended, she asked me if that is what I wanted to be, a woman? Gasp! Wasn't expecting that question, but then I can be real naive. I inhaled and held my breath like never before. Somehow, I just couldn't lie and deny this issue any longer. I felt completely powerless to say anything other than the truth.

Something inside of me just kind of snapped and I let those fateful words out. [Deep inhale] I told my wife, "Not exactly something I want to be, but, Yes, I'm a female on the inside. That is what my heart and soul and brain have been telling me I am for as long as I can remember". I have been denying this for way too long and just plain skirting the issue. No pun intended. This was completely unplanned and unrehearsed. I honestly believe the Lord compelled me to finally tell the truth. I can't tell you how many years, and how many tears, I have cried up to this point. Honestly...I have been asking my Lord for forgiveness, not for who and what I am, but for lying and concealing the truth about who I really am...for a very, very, long time. I can tell you now, that I will never have to do that, ever again. There's a saying, actually a Bible verse, John 8:32 "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  I can certainly attest to that. Free to experience both happiness and sadness, all at the same time. But at least there aren't any lies or deception anymore. Praise the Lord!

I mentioned crying in a prior post. Well, I sat there crying my eyes out ( I cry at the drop of a hat anymore ), not because I was ashamed of who I am or anything like that. I'm not ashamed of anything, anymore. It's not my fault. All I felt was a flood of relief that I have never felt before in my life. I felt it...I really can't describe it anyway. My secret...Cynthia...had finally found her way out. She sure is a crafty gal ( but I already knew that ). Welcome home Cynthia! There was no turning back now. You can't take back what has, after a lifetime of denial, finally come out of your own mouth. 

Well, needless to say, things sort of hit the proverbial fan at this point. I won't tell you that she took this bit of news very well. I mean, here's my wife finding out that she has been married for forty years to a man (oops) who now says he believes he's a woman (female, anyway). How does any person take this kind of news? I don't even know how I would take this kind of news. Now, I'm not sure where this is all going, only the Lord knows the answers to that.

We have in a small way become closer because we are praying together more than ever and trying to share and understand each other's feelings about all of this. I can see that I've opened up a whole new and different way of life for us that is going to require a great deal of prayer...more than our usual.

I have believed, known, felt, whatever, that I am a female in the wrong body. I have felt this for most of my life, at least off and on. In reality, more off than on. I explained why the [ off ] in a prior post...a lot of denial, and now, too many tears to reiterate here. 

This turn of events has brought with it some extraordinary happenings, and they're not all good. But who wants to hear all that negativity? You all know the things I'm talking about anyway, we all seem to have experienced some things in common, and I'd rather talk about the good things that are beginning to happen. 

I'm not sure why, but my wife is actually okay with me starting to dress the way I have always dreamed of, that of the real me, at least at home. Up till now I have never worn women's outer clothing. Well, guess what? We have been shopping for some clothes for me. My wife has even bought a couple of things on her own and given them to me. Unbelievable! Nothing fancy or real feminine, just some simple basic items. Now feminine attire is not entirely new to our marriage as I have worn women's under garments for many years, sometimes a real source of contention between us, because I could never bring myself to tell my wife the truth about who I am, and why I to wear these items, until now. All of my life I denied it, and I buried it, accept for an occasional instance. I finally lost the battle against all that denial, for good. Again, Praise the Lord!

We are having some very good days and some not so very good days. Terrific grammar, huh. I believe if we can keep up the lines of communication ( the Lord willing and the creeks don't rise ), we stand a good chance of winning this battle, not the whole war yet, just this particular battle. I'm sure there will be more to come. The Lord has been very gracious in that He has helped me to finally be able to talk about things that were, are, extremely difficult. I have never been able to talk about my feelings before because of all the denial. 

My wife has been somewhat amazed at the changes in me regarding my opening up and talking like never before. I think this change has had an immense impact on our relationship. To say her acceptance of any of this has been anything short of a miracle, is, well, unbelievable! Don't get me wrong, there's not total acceptance yet, but way more than I ever could have imagined. I have learned that she has known a lot more than she ever let on about my female side.

We are working very hard to make this work for us. I, for one, cannot imagine my life without my wife beside me. I have wasted far too much of our lives together due to denial and untruth. That is simply not acceptable any longer, and I am doing everything I possibly can to change that. 

I have to take this moment to praise my wife for the way she has accepted, at least partially, this part of me. She, and the Lord Jesus, have been so Gracious to me.

Back to that box of tissues. I had hoped they wouldn't be necessary this time. I was wrong.

I'm going to end this post now, before I lose it altogether, but I will try to write more as often as I can in the future. It seems that I feel much freer to be myself in my writing, now that my life long secret is no longer that, a secret. 

Hugs to one and all, and God Bless,


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

40th Anniversary

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you all know that my wife and I are celebrating our 40th anniversary today. And my wonderful wife now knows about me. Actually she found out about a month ago. She is being as supportive and helpful as I never would have believed. Things aren't perfect, but oh so much better than I ever dreamed possible. A lot of tears, hers and mine, but, our Lord Jesus Christ is working miracles beyond measure in our lives. The Lord is so Gracious.

I want to thank all of you out there who have been so supportive and helpful to me. I have learned so much from all of you and your blogs.

Hugs and prayers to everyone,

Cynthia  XX

Friday, September 16, 2011

"I am too a girl"!!!

Sorry I haven't had anything to say for awhile. A long while. Been doing a lot of mind and soul searching.

I need to say up front...this post has been extremely difficult to write and very time consuming. If anyone else has had even a similar experience ( oh please Lord, I hope not! ), my prayers go out to you.

With that said, here goes.

Now that I am being honest with myself in order to move ahead with some clarity, memories of my childhood have begun to slowly come up to the surface. Believe me when I say, I'm happy that it is only slowly and hasn't been like a flood gate opening. I've shed enough tears to make me believe it has been like the great flood of Noah's day. 

It's been difficult on one hand to accept some of the things that I have remembered, while at the same time, offering me a new found freedom. Freedom! I have been freed to find and learn more about Cynthia. About how and when she...we...I...came to be. About her dreams, her desires, what she's been doing with her life. And oh yeh, I found out she...we...I...cry a lot! A whole lot more than me...the other me, one of us anyway. Girls, can I cry! I've come to accept and actually enjoy my time crying. What better way to get to know someone? Now I almost never did before, cry that is. My crying as Cynthia is really stirring up some childhood memories and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm not sure how, but at least it seems to be working that way, so far.     
      Dang it already, where are my tissues? 

Now the more I remember things that happened to me and things that I did when I was very young, more and more details start coming back to me. So much of my memory has been buried for so long that it doesn't come back very easily. Too much, too fast, just might be disastrous. So, as I said before, slowly is working well for me right now ( praise the Lord! ).

 I will start out remembering something, and the next thing I know, Cynthia is whispering in my ear about something else. Talk about rabbit trails. It gets a little frustrating, but I'm trying really hard to trust Cynthia and remember all the things that happened to her back when, and I need to get all of these buried thoughts and memories out in the open where I can deal with them. Writing it all down here is helping...a lot!

I started remembering this incident from my childhood about a year ago, but only in bits and pieces. I had no idea what was coming. It took me a long time to sort out all of the details so I could make sense out of it. I just kept writing down these bits of information until I could put the pieces of the puzzle together and have it sound rational. Did I say rational? 

As I have said before, I had, what I can remember of it, an okay childhood. Mostly. Along the way there were a few bumps and less than terrific incidents, as I'm finding out. But this one long lost ( buried ) memory of something that happened when I was very young was extremely traumatic ( then and now ). But I felt that I needed to write it down in order to get it out of my system. It has been eating at me for a while now. I think if I remember any more like this one, I may need to see a shrink.      
I have wanted to remember, for quite some time now, when I first learned how and why I believed I was different. Most of my memories seemed to center around me mostly feeling different. But, why did I feel so different inside?  I always thought I was a girl, ( even though I was referred to as a boy ), and that was all I ever remember believing I was!  I seem to remember thinking that I should have been wearing a dress, and had longer hair, definitely not wearing boy clothes, and short hair. But I never really understood why I believed that. And why couldn't I wear a dress? I know now it's because I didn't know the real difference between boys and girls back then ( please, I was only 4 or 5, and naive, and I had never seen that real difference between boys and girls ). But...Girls...was I ever going to get an education! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I hope you don't think this next part is silly, because, believe me, it wasn't!

One day, I was playing with a few of the girls in the neighborhood ( after all, I was a girl...and didn't really like to play with boys. I mean, girls were nicer to play with than boys anyway, or so I thought ). I don't remember exactly what we were doing. I think we were playing with dolls ( I do remember, I loved to play with dolls ), but then the other girls decided they wanted to play Doctor instead. I had never played doctor before, so I didn't know how to play it. It sounded a little scary to me anyway. I mean, who likes to go to the doctor? Needles and all that stuff! Yuck! Well, I found out what it was all about...and...that I was at the other girls' mercy now. I think these girls were a little older than me and knew something that I didn't.

Well, here I am, learning how to play doctor. We're examining each other, like listening to each other's heart beat and we're putting bandages on each other's injuries, and checking reflexes with a hammer ( that can hurt ). Some memory, huh? Now, I seem to remember I was having fun. I mean, it seemed like a fun game, but as time went on, things got very interesting.

The girls I'm playing doctor with, along with probably being older, and smarter than me, now decided to add something to the game. They say this part of playing doctor is called...are you ready?...*I'll show you mine if you show me yours *. what's this all about? I think they had some ulterior motive behind this new introduction. Yeh, I think they knew something all along. Well, I have no idea what this is about either...until they explain! OH NO! GIRLS!  Have any of you ever played this? we are...and on the count of three, we all pull our panties down and show each other what we look like......... I can't believe what I see! This just isn't right! Is this what girls really look like? Not like me? Every one of them looks the same, but I sure don't look like them ( and I'm a girl too, Right?, Right! ). Now, as I remember, I kind of thought girls were different than boys ( though I really didn't know why or how ), but uh oh, I think I just found out. I couldn't believe how much different girls really were, especially down there that is, as compared to what I am showing off to everyone ( Ewww! ). And here I thought all along that I was a girl. Maybe I was just an average girl, but a girl just the same. Or so I thought. 

Now I know they already knew something!  And I get this awful feeling that maybe I am not a girl ( impossible?! ), and I realize that now I'm sure that I really don't like what I have between my legs  ( honestly...I don't remember ever really liking it...but why?). Now I've found out that I don't look like them and I'm supposed to look like them ( I'm a girl! ). And now I'm really confused and starting to think in my tiny little girl brain that something is very wrong. And I'm scared. Scared that somebody must have made a big mistake when I was born ( does anybody believe a little girl can think this is possible at this age? ). But how can that be? How can you be born a girl but have boy parts? This just isn't possible. Now, who says kids aren't smart? I think this is pretty darned intuitive for a 4 or 5 year old. what do I do? Here we all are with our panties down to our knees, and they are all pointing at me and giggling and laughing. Now they're saying..."You're not a girl!"..."You're a boy!"  And I yell back, "No I'm not!"  I try to tell them they're wrong, that "I am a girl!"..."I was born this way and...I am too a girl!"  How does a small innocent child think like this? Where does it come from? Talk about being traumatized. I didn't know why God would want a little girl to feel that kind of shame and humiliation. But that is exactly what they made me feel. At least at that time. I finally realized later, quite a bit later, that it was those girls who were so cruel to me!  It wasn't God. ( I have since forgiven all of them. )

I quickly pulled my panties up and I ran away from those girls and cried and cried. I seem to remember that I couldn't stop crying. I found a place to hide, where nobody could find me. I wanted to curl up and just go to sleep so I could get rid of the boy parts and wake up with all the right girl parts. Either that or die. I really remember wanting to die if I couldn't be a girl. Now the pain starts!

Well...I didn't get rid of the boy parts...or get girl parts...and I didn't die ( praise the Lord ). But I definitely believe now that this incident is why I buried so many memories so deep, for so long, and made them so hard to remember ( definitely not a good thing, but better than dying ). I think this was the last time, or almost the last time, that I remember playing with girls. Not by choice, by shame and humiliation.      
         Where did I put my tissues?

Ahh, the indomitable memory...and I found my tissues.  Indomitable: adjective; impossible to subdue or defeat, a woman of indomitable spirit. Isn't that what all of us are? I did have a change of heart later on and decide to like girls again and not hate them all for what those few girls did to me. After all...I'm a girl! That's right, I'm Cynthia!!!
Over this past year or so during which time I spent remembering this one incident, no longer is it maybe. I now strongly believe it was responsible for my playing boy from then on, at least for some of the time ( because in my heart, I was still a girl )

Then a few years went by and Cynthia showed up again. I think this is when I wished more than ever that I was a girl. I wanted so badly to be a sister to my brother and sister, and not be their brother. I so wanted to be like her. Play with her and her friends, not the boys in the neighborhood. Wishful hoping and praying, but not to be. Mind you now, I'm still very young and still don't understand who or what is going on inside of me. I simply believe I'm a girl inside, at least most of the time, but I know I don't look like one on the outside. This is all beginning to hurt again. Now, little girls wouldn't have any knowledge of GID or trans-anything back then. Still too young. I wouldn't even know to look for information or help. Not until many years later. 

So, now what do I do? 

I seem to remember thinking that my parents wouldn't be able to help me. I doubt seriously if they would have a clue as to what is going on inside of me. This is back in the mid '50's after all. So, I keep it to myself, pain and all. 

The next phase, I become a teenager, and like earlier, look out! Cynthia is back again...even stronger...and periodically throughout my teen years. I did write a little bit about my teens, but I'm going to leave the rest of that for later. I still have a lot more to remember about that time in my life. There are just too many holes in the picture still, but it's been getting a little clearer. 

For the following years, until now, I have been in boy or man mode. Eeewww! Yeh, great expectations. But periodically, Cynthia would come back into my life. I used to wonder why each time she came back, I always seemed to feel different, good, better, the best I would ever feel until now. She always presented me with some very good feelings and some strange feelings, but I always seemed to feel oh so much calmer and at ease when she was with me. Like I was finally experiencing the real me. I'm learning now why I felt those things. I'm truly learning to love this journey.

This has been, to date, the hardest thing in my life I can remember having to deal with. There may have been some others ( I don't remember them right now ), and there may very well be others to come ( I pray not ), at least not this traumatic. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed during the writing of this. It has taken me, off and on, the better part of this last year to put this together. Even before this blog. That's why I started this site. I had to have somewhere to store this saga.

Now I realize, these memories are always there, they aren't lost, only misplaced, or buried, mixed up for sure, and you never know when they are going to surface. As I accept more and more of these facts about myself, I seem to be able to remember more. I mentioned it earlier, it's called Freedom. Freedom to believe and accept that I really am a girl ( I have a lot of growing up to do ), no matter what any one else thinks or says. I really don't care what the label, I don't care what the term, and I don't give a rats behind what word or acronym is being bantered about and debated today. I REALLY DON'T CARE! I AM A GIRL! I AM CYNTHIA!!!  And I praise my Lord Jesus for what and who He has allowed me to be born as, and for the memories He is giving back to me, however joyous or painful they may be. I'm a better girl for it.          

So, with that said, I'm going to get another box ( or 12) of tissues...and I think I will buy some stock in Kimberly Clark or Kleenex, if these tears keep coming.

This brings me up to my previous post in the chronology of Cynthia. This may be a little difficult to follow as it's a little out of order, so please bear with me. Things are a little foggy still and out of sinc, but they are getting clearer all the time. I have to keep writing down these events as my memory digs them up from down there in the dungeons of gray matter. I'll try to put things in better order from now on, but don't hold your breath. After all, it keeps you all on your toes, doesn't it?

Wow!!! I can't believe how long this post has become. It's got to be a girl thing. Oh well, we girls just take longer to say what we want to, or in this case, need to. 

Remember I said at the beginning that this was extremely difficult to write? Well, after I finally got it all written down and read it through from start to finish, I felt so much relief. I got some of that pain out that I spoke of. I am finally beginning to find my heart and soul in Cynthia. One little memory at a time. This is certainly proving to be a most cathartic journey.

Bye for now, and hugs everyone,


Friday, July 8, 2011

More Memories...

I shall make another attempt to put into print some of the thoughts and feelings I have had most of my life. Perhaps there is something here that can help someone else with their travels. Forgive me my ramblings.

There was a time ( prior to adolescence ), when I wished that I was not my sister's brother, but instead her sister. I always felt like I identified with her and the female me, but not the male me. I wanted to join in with her and her friends, to play with them and their dolls and their toys. I had no interest in boy toys. I would even sneak the pleasure of some of the forbidden fruit ( as often as possible ). I just couldn't fathom out why I wanted that. I only knew that the way I felt, was not how I was presenting, and that was a bit scary. The little world that I grew up in would not, at least in my mind, allow me to present the female me, with those that I felt the closest ties to. To this day, no one knows any of this. OOPS!

Back then I had never met anyone or heard about anyone saying that they were a female inside. Wish I had known more. I felt all alone and like an alien. I just plain didn't fit. Everything I felt was simply foreign to me. There was nothing to relate it all to.

Now, my life wasn't all doom and gloom. All in all, I had a pretty good childhood, not a horrible one. I didn't feel this way on a daily basis by any means, and I thank God for that now, but often enough to be able to have those feelings surface periodically. I guess I was pretty good at hiding my feelings, burying them pretty deep, at least deep enough to put it all on hold for extended periods of time ( only to resurface again _ and again _ and again ).

In my early teens some of those feelings did surface again. I even tried to make some clothing for myself ( couldn't afford to buy them ), by myself ( of course, and I won't go into detail as to what I made ). I actually got to be pretty good with my mother's sewing machine ( at least as good as a teenager could ). I would find scraps of material in my mother's sewing stuff, and piece things together. I actually had a couple of things turn out half way cute. IMHO! I loved how it felt to feel like a girl when I wore these creations. I would try them on and felt like a teenage princess, at least for a while. Then it was back into hiding again for as long as I could manage.

Here come the full blown teen years: LOOK OUT!!!

A drivers license and my own car, oh wow, new found freedom! I found the freedom that would allow me to explore a little bit more of who ( and what ) I was. I never went too far with this exploration though, fear can keep you from doing many things. We lived in a very small town and my parents new just about everyone in town. If anyone saw me or my siblings doing something wrong, not that what I was doing was wrong, just not what was considered normal, well, it got back to our parents, pronto.

After high school, we all moved out west to a much larger town ( actually a city ). Now I had even more freedom to explore. But I think I'll leave that post for the next time.

Don't you just love these serial posts? Plus it will give me more time to gather my thoughts.

Throughout all of this reflection, I have come to know, without a doubt, that I have always been and always will be a woman. I praise my Lord for allowing me to be born this way, otherwise, I would not have experienced the wonders and heartaches of both genders. ( there are both ... you just have to look ).

Hugs to everyone, XOXO

Ps: Does this sound like you've heard it all before??? It's beginning to , to me. I guess there are only so many stories in the Naked City.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

To All The Girls...

To all the girls out there who have been so wonderful to all of us...
Hugs all around

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Little More About Me

It's been quite a while since my last post, so, here goes.

Hopefully I can remember and relate some more of my past. I have kept so much of my thoughts hidden for so long, that it is really difficult to bring them to the surface. I keep thinking about past incidences, and equating them to the feelings I've been having in recent years.

I know now that I have always been a woman inside. So much of the way that I have seen things over the years tells me that I have always tried to talk myself out of the truth. That all those feelings would go away. Probably explains why I got married. I figured if I got married, ( I truly do love my wife of 40 years ) all those female thoughts would be replaced with the "man of the house" behavior. I now know those thoughts could and would never go away. I know all this is true now.

Like some, I really can't remember any one incident that was a revelation. I just seemed to muddle through everything until those feelings were hidden again. I remember the first women's clothing I ever bought. When I put them on I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be dressed like I should be. It felt so natural. I cried because somehow I just felt that these feelings I was having would never be realized in a real life for me. I had no knowledge of what help was available at this time, this was the 60's and I had no idea where to look for help...didn't even know there was help out there. I had only heard of Renee Richards and Christine Jorgenson. They were celebrities with lots of money ( I had neither ) and hence figured these were needed to be able to do anything about who and what I believed myself to be.

Over the years I did learn that there was help out there, but by now I had a wife and family and financial responsibilities that would preclude me from ever doing ( in my mind ) anything about my condition. I am not angry or anything like that, maybe just a little sorrowful. I've lived with this for so long now, It's just a part of my life that I have come to accept and embrace as the way my Lord has allowed me to be born as.

Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and nothing will ever change that, not the world or anyone in it, or this condition I live with. My Lord gives me peace and as such I am able to see the others out there who are somewhat like me and I am compelled to pray for them and not just myself. We are all women just trying to live as normal a life as possible given our own special circumstances.

This has been wonderful getting some of this out in the open. Like so many before me who say this is about only me and my personal feelings, ( a diary as such ) maybe it will let some other wondering soul know that they are not alone.

I continue to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to guide and direct me. That is why any comments I make are always about my praying for the person posting, whether they are believers or not, WE all have special needs and God can make those needs His priority. We just need to walk next to Him.

I am a little weary at the moment. All this has made me a bit teary eyed, not sadness, more relief. I have learned so much from all you women, your posting is such a wonderful service to all of us. Godspeed to all of you.

All my Prayers and Hugs and God's Blessings for all of you,

Please excuse my rambling.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Starting Point

This is going to be my attempt to start my story.
My earliest recollections of things being not what they physically appeared to be, you know the junk I'm talking about, was when I was fairly young. I don't remember my age, but I think probably around 6 to 8 years old. I can remember looking at the advertisements in the Sunday newspaper and always being drawn to the women's section. I certainly don't remember any kind of sexual feelings about it. The only thing I do remember feeling was that I wanted to be the girls and/or women in the ads. To be soft and round and able to feel that happy and pretty seemed like a dream to me. Throughout grade school I just wanted to be like all the other girls. I was always more comfortable being around girls. The boys were always trying to do rude things to the girls and that disgusted me. I managed to stay out of trouble where boys were concerned, though it wasn't easy. In high school I was quite unpopular. More studious than physical. I only had a couple of dates the whole time, and as I see things from this vantage point now, I really only wanted to be closer to the girls so I could feel more like them. 
Well, long story short, I ended up getting married and having a family. I've been married for 40 years to the most wonderful woman. My wife and children are the world to me. I don't regret them at all. I am a product of the 50's and 60's, and as such, was quite ignorant of the transsexual world. I had only heard of Christine Jorgensen and didn't know what was available in the way of help. It was a very different time back then. You pretty much just stayed where you were in life. I have since found out that there were many girls who found their way to their rightful place. I have nothing but happiness for them. This will probably never be my path, not at this time in my life, I'm getting to old. But, just knowing that I was right feeling the way I did all those many years, has set me free.
I know that my Lord Jesus Christ loves me, and that He will take care of me, is more than I could ever hope for. He only judges me by my sin, and I don't believe this is a sin. I was born this way and I will die this way. It's how you live your life in between ( for Jesus Christ ).
I'll try to fill in the blanks as I go. This is still all very new to me, but I am learning so much from all of you gals out there. All of your life stories are amazing, I'm feeling more and more akin to all of you. You are all just wonderful.
My prayers go out to each and every one of you.
More about me another time.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Please, I Need Help

Please, anybody, I need help commenting on certain others blogs ( TRANSITIONING PAST for example ). It's all part of my computer ignorance. I click on the respond by GOOGLE ACCOUNT, but I can't get my comment to go through. If any of you girls can help me, please do. If Debra is listening, maybe she can help,PLEASE.
And I am trying to put together another blog and publish it as soon as possible.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Oh My Word...

Oh my word...Halle wrote a response to my blog already. I can't believe it. Thank you, thank you , thank you. I am on cloud nine now. Like my profile says, I'm a 60-something mtf who knows very little about where I'll be taking any of this. I'm married and have been for a very long time to the same wonderful woman. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her anything about this part of me. Shoot, I don't even know everything that's happening to me. So if I can figure out more of what is going on I'll certainly try to relate it to you all.
 Again Halle, thank you so much for responding to me.
Looking forward to writing more.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I'm Back

Well ...I'm back...with nothing real to say except I'm trying to figure out this whole blogger thing. For somebody with very little knowledge of computers and how blogger works, I'm trying my best. Hopefully I'll get better with this as time goes by ( I think there's a song by that title ).
I've wasted enough of your time with this drivel for now , so I'm going to go and bang my head against the wall for awhile. I really love reading about all you sisters out there. Please keep helping me with this road I'm on.
      God Bless...