Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Little More About Me

It's been quite a while since my last post, so, here goes.

Hopefully I can remember and relate some more of my past. I have kept so much of my thoughts hidden for so long, that it is really difficult to bring them to the surface. I keep thinking about past incidences, and equating them to the feelings I've been having in recent years.

I know now that I have always been a woman inside. So much of the way that I have seen things over the years tells me that I have always tried to talk myself out of the truth. That all those feelings would go away. Probably explains why I got married. I figured if I got married, ( I truly do love my wife of 40 years ) all those female thoughts would be replaced with the "man of the house" behavior. I now know those thoughts could and would never go away. I know all this is true now.

Like some, I really can't remember any one incident that was a revelation. I just seemed to muddle through everything until those feelings were hidden again. I remember the first women's clothing I ever bought. When I put them on I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be dressed like I should be. It felt so natural. I cried because somehow I just felt that these feelings I was having would never be realized in a real life for me. I had no knowledge of what help was available at this time, this was the 60's and I had no idea where to look for help...didn't even know there was help out there. I had only heard of Renee Richards and Christine Jorgenson. They were celebrities with lots of money ( I had neither ) and hence figured these were needed to be able to do anything about who and what I believed myself to be.

Over the years I did learn that there was help out there, but by now I had a wife and family and financial responsibilities that would preclude me from ever doing ( in my mind ) anything about my condition. I am not angry or anything like that, maybe just a little sorrowful. I've lived with this for so long now, It's just a part of my life that I have come to accept and embrace as the way my Lord has allowed me to be born as.

Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and nothing will ever change that, not the world or anyone in it, or this condition I live with. My Lord gives me peace and as such I am able to see the others out there who are somewhat like me and I am compelled to pray for them and not just myself. We are all women just trying to live as normal a life as possible given our own special circumstances.

This has been wonderful getting some of this out in the open. Like so many before me who say this is about only me and my personal feelings, ( a diary as such ) maybe it will let some other wondering soul know that they are not alone.

I continue to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to guide and direct me. That is why any comments I make are always about my praying for the person posting, whether they are believers or not, WE all have special needs and God can make those needs His priority. We just need to walk next to Him.

I am a little weary at the moment. All this has made me a bit teary eyed, not sadness, more relief. I have learned so much from all you women, your posting is such a wonderful service to all of us. Godspeed to all of you.

All my Prayers and Hugs and God's Blessings for all of you,

Please excuse my rambling.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Starting Point

This is going to be my attempt to start my story.
My earliest recollections of things being not what they physically appeared to be, you know the junk I'm talking about, was when I was fairly young. I don't remember my age, but I think probably around 6 to 8 years old. I can remember looking at the advertisements in the Sunday newspaper and always being drawn to the women's section. I certainly don't remember any kind of sexual feelings about it. The only thing I do remember feeling was that I wanted to be the girls and/or women in the ads. To be soft and round and able to feel that happy and pretty seemed like a dream to me. Throughout grade school I just wanted to be like all the other girls. I was always more comfortable being around girls. The boys were always trying to do rude things to the girls and that disgusted me. I managed to stay out of trouble where boys were concerned, though it wasn't easy. In high school I was quite unpopular. More studious than physical. I only had a couple of dates the whole time, and as I see things from this vantage point now, I really only wanted to be closer to the girls so I could feel more like them. 
Well, long story short, I ended up getting married and having a family. I've been married for 40 years to the most wonderful woman. My wife and children are the world to me. I don't regret them at all. I am a product of the 50's and 60's, and as such, was quite ignorant of the transsexual world. I had only heard of Christine Jorgensen and didn't know what was available in the way of help. It was a very different time back then. You pretty much just stayed where you were in life. I have since found out that there were many girls who found their way to their rightful place. I have nothing but happiness for them. This will probably never be my path, not at this time in my life, I'm getting to old. But, just knowing that I was right feeling the way I did all those many years, has set me free.
I know that my Lord Jesus Christ loves me, and that He will take care of me, is more than I could ever hope for. He only judges me by my sin, and I don't believe this is a sin. I was born this way and I will die this way. It's how you live your life in between ( for Jesus Christ ).
I'll try to fill in the blanks as I go. This is still all very new to me, but I am learning so much from all of you gals out there. All of your life stories are amazing, I'm feeling more and more akin to all of you. You are all just wonderful.
My prayers go out to each and every one of you.
More about me another time.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Please, I Need Help

Please, anybody, I need help commenting on certain others blogs ( TRANSITIONING PAST for example ). It's all part of my computer ignorance. I click on the respond by GOOGLE ACCOUNT, but I can't get my comment to go through. If any of you girls can help me, please do. If Debra is listening, maybe she can help,PLEASE.
And I am trying to put together another blog and publish it as soon as possible.