It's been quite a while since my last post, so, here goes.
Hopefully I can remember and relate some more of my past. I have kept so much of my thoughts hidden for so long, that it is really difficult to bring them to the surface. I keep thinking about past incidences, and equating them to the feelings I've been having in recent years.
I know now that I have always been a woman inside. So much of the way that I have seen things over the years tells me that I have always tried to talk myself out of the truth. That all those feelings would go away. Probably explains why I got married. I figured if I got married, ( I truly do love my wife of 40 years ) all those female thoughts would be replaced with the "man of the house" behavior. I now know those thoughts could and would never go away. I know all this is true now.
Like some, I really can't remember any one incident that was a revelation. I just seemed to muddle through everything until those feelings were hidden again. I remember the first women's clothing I ever bought. When I put them on I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be dressed like I should be. It felt so natural. I cried because somehow I just felt that these feelings I was having would never be realized in a real life for me. I had no knowledge of what help was available at this time, this was the 60's and I had no idea where to look for help...didn't even know there was help out there. I had only heard of Renee Richards and Christine Jorgenson. They were celebrities with lots of money ( I had neither ) and hence figured these were needed to be able to do anything about who and what I believed myself to be.
Over the years I did learn that there was help out there, but by now I had a wife and family and financial responsibilities that would preclude me from ever doing ( in my mind ) anything about my condition. I am not angry or anything like that, maybe just a little sorrowful. I've lived with this for so long now, It's just a part of my life that I have come to accept and embrace as the way my Lord has allowed me to be born as.
Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and nothing will ever change that, not the world or anyone in it, or this condition I live with. My Lord gives me peace and as such I am able to see the others out there who are somewhat like me and I am compelled to pray for them and not just myself. We are all women just trying to live as normal a life as possible given our own special circumstances.
This has been wonderful getting some of this out in the open. Like so many before me who say this is about only me and my personal feelings, ( a diary as such ) maybe it will let some other wondering soul know that they are not alone.
I continue to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to guide and direct me. That is why any comments I make are always about my praying for the person posting, whether they are believers or not, WE all have special needs and God can make those needs His priority. We just need to walk next to Him.
I am a little weary at the moment. All this has made me a bit teary eyed, not sadness, more relief. I have learned so much from all you women, your posting is such a wonderful service to all of us. Godspeed to all of you.
All my Prayers and Hugs and God's Blessings for all of you,
Please excuse my rambling.