It's been quite a while since my last post, so, here goes.
Hopefully I can remember and relate some more of my past. I have kept so much of my thoughts hidden for so long, that it is really difficult to bring them to the surface. I keep thinking about past incidences, and equating them to the feelings I've been having in recent years.
I know now that I have always been a woman inside. So much of the way that I have seen things over the years tells me that I have always tried to talk myself out of the truth. That all those feelings would go away. Probably explains why I got married. I figured if I got married, ( I truly do love my wife of 40 years ) all those female thoughts would be replaced with the "man of the house" behavior. I now know those thoughts could and would never go away. I know all this is true now.
Like some, I really can't remember any one incident that was a revelation. I just seemed to muddle through everything until those feelings were hidden again. I remember the first women's clothing I ever bought. When I put them on I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be dressed like I should be. It felt so natural. I cried because somehow I just felt that these feelings I was having would never be realized in a real life for me. I had no knowledge of what help was available at this time, this was the 60's and I had no idea where to look for help...didn't even know there was help out there. I had only heard of Renee Richards and Christine Jorgenson. They were celebrities with lots of money ( I had neither ) and hence figured these were needed to be able to do anything about who and what I believed myself to be.
Over the years I did learn that there was help out there, but by now I had a wife and family and financial responsibilities that would preclude me from ever doing ( in my mind ) anything about my condition. I am not angry or anything like that, maybe just a little sorrowful. I've lived with this for so long now, It's just a part of my life that I have come to accept and embrace as the way my Lord has allowed me to be born as.
Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and nothing will ever change that, not the world or anyone in it, or this condition I live with. My Lord gives me peace and as such I am able to see the others out there who are somewhat like me and I am compelled to pray for them and not just myself. We are all women just trying to live as normal a life as possible given our own special circumstances.
This has been wonderful getting some of this out in the open. Like so many before me who say this is about only me and my personal feelings, ( a diary as such ) maybe it will let some other wondering soul know that they are not alone.
I continue to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to guide and direct me. That is why any comments I make are always about my praying for the person posting, whether they are believers or not, WE all have special needs and God can make those needs His priority. We just need to walk next to Him.
I am a little weary at the moment. All this has made me a bit teary eyed, not sadness, more relief. I have learned so much from all you women, your posting is such a wonderful service to all of us. Godspeed to all of you.
All my Prayers and Hugs and God's Blessings for all of you,
Please excuse my rambling.
Welcome home sis. Accepting and then embracing our trans life is so cathartic. Most of us share that sadness you mentioned as we have been down a road parallel to yours. I'd love to swap some emails with you if you want. suzicute.texas@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Suzi
@Suzi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement and I will think about the emailing. There are circumstances in my life that may not allow me to engage in emailing, but I definitely appreciate all your comments. Hopefully things will change.
Many Blessings, Prayers, and Hugs,
Dear Cynthia,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your prayers and reading my blog.Very moving I know what you feeling becuase I have walked the same path.
If you feel like corresponding feel free to e-mail me aprilchadwick@gmail.com
@ April,
ReplyDeleteYou are really sweet to comment here. I'm doing this mostly for myself, but everything everybody has had to say has been enormously helpful. I have found nothing but total acceptance and true affection.
My always saying that I'm praying for all of us is completely true. I know of no better way to help all of us.
If I can figure a way to correspond ( there are circumstances involved ), I can think of nothing better that I would like to do. Everyone has been so wonderful. Give me time.
Thanks again,April.
Many Blessings, Prayers, and Hugs,
Cynthia XOXO
*hugs* girl. I can relate to a lot of this. Just know it's ok to feel this way. =)
ReplyDelete@ Debra
ReplyDeleteThanks ever so much for everything. You have no idea how much help and inspiration you have been over this last year of my life. Everyone here is just the cats meow. That means super. I have read and listened to every word you have posted. I praise the Lord for all your insight. I have, and continue, to pray for your healing and to find that special someone to love and love you.
Many Blessings, Prayers, and Hugs.
Cynthia XOXO
Hi Cynthia,
ReplyDeleteI've never lost my faith and I've always said that when it came to transition and others believing that I "left the faith," my response was always this: I never left God because He's never left me.
I'm glad to see you retaining your trust in your faith. There has been far too much confusion concerning what the Bible says about being T when there is really so much to be inspired by about it. My you continue to find rest in Him and I pray you'll hear His loving and accepting voice. I look forward to reading your blog. :)