The title says it all. At least from where I'm sitting.
I made mention of this in my last posting, so here are some of the details.
I had recently decided that I needed to write a letter to my wife. I didn't feel I could adequately explain my thoughts and feelings through speech. I'm just not very good at talking about personal things. Especially this: The secret that has been plaguing me for most of my life.
But...things didn't go according to plan. You know...'The best laid plans of mice and men.' It was either that one or 'Murphy's Law'.
The short of it...My wife now knows that I believe I am a woman...female...maybe I should probably just say girl. Haven't had time to mature into a woman yet. Baby steps first.
Now, here's where the plans went astray.
It all happened after we watched that special on tv about some transgendered and transsexual children. My wife asked me why I wanted to watch this program. I said, rather sheepishly, I was just curious about it. She didn't say anything more at that time and she was real quiet during the show. Then, after the show ended, she asked me if that is what I wanted to be, a woman? Gasp! Wasn't expecting that question, but then I can be real naive. I inhaled and held my breath like never before. Somehow, I just couldn't lie and deny this issue any longer. I felt completely powerless to say anything other than the truth.
Something inside of me just kind of snapped and I let those fateful words out. [Deep inhale] I told my wife, "Not exactly something I want to be, but, Yes, I'm a female on the inside. That is what my heart and soul and brain have been telling me I am for as long as I can remember". I have been denying this for way too long and just plain skirting the issue. No pun intended. This was completely unplanned and unrehearsed. I honestly believe the Lord compelled me to finally tell the truth. I can't tell you how many years, and how many tears, I have cried up to this point. Honestly...I have been asking my Lord for forgiveness, not for who and what I am, but for lying and concealing the truth about who I really am...for a very, very, long time. I can tell you now, that I will never have to do that, ever again. There's a saying, actually a Bible verse, John 8:32 "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." I can certainly attest to that. Free to experience both happiness and sadness, all at the same time. But at least there aren't any lies or deception anymore. Praise the Lord!
I mentioned crying in a prior post. Well, I sat there crying my eyes out ( I cry at the drop of a hat anymore ), not because I was ashamed of who I am or anything like that. I'm not ashamed of anything, anymore. It's not my fault. All I felt was a flood of relief that I have never felt before in my life. I felt so...so...forget it...I really can't describe it anyway. My secret...Cynthia...had finally found her way out. She sure is a crafty gal ( but I already knew that ). Welcome home Cynthia! There was no turning back now. You can't take back what has, after a lifetime of denial, finally come out of your own mouth.
Well, needless to say, things sort of hit the proverbial fan at this point. I won't tell you that she took this bit of news very well. I mean, here's my wife finding out that she has been married for forty years to a man (oops) who now says he believes he's a woman (female, anyway). How does any person take this kind of news? I don't even know how I would take this kind of news. Now, I'm not sure where this is all going, only the Lord knows the answers to that.
We have in a small way become closer because we are praying together more than ever and trying to share and understand each other's feelings about all of this. I can see that I've opened up a whole new and different way of life for us that is going to require a great deal of prayer...more than our usual.
I have believed, known, felt, whatever, that I am a female in the wrong body. I have felt this for most of my life, at least off and on. In reality, more off than on. I explained why the [ off ] in a prior post...a lot of denial, and now, too many tears to reiterate here.
This turn of events has brought with it some extraordinary happenings, and they're not all good. But who wants to hear all that negativity? You all know the things I'm talking about anyway, we all seem to have experienced some things in common, and I'd rather talk about the good things that are beginning to happen.
I'm not sure why, but my wife is actually okay with me starting to dress the way I have always dreamed of, that of the real me, at least at home. Up till now I have never worn women's outer clothing. Well, guess what? We have been shopping for some clothes for me. My wife has even bought a couple of things on her own and given them to me. Unbelievable! Nothing fancy or real feminine, just some simple basic items. Now feminine attire is not entirely new to our marriage as I have worn women's under garments for many years, sometimes a real source of contention between us, because I could never bring myself to tell my wife the truth about who I am, and why I wanted...no...needed to wear these items, until now. All of my life I denied it, and I buried it, accept for an occasional instance. I finally lost the battle against all that denial, for good. Again, Praise the Lord!
We are having some very good days and some not so very good days. Terrific grammar, huh. I believe if we can keep up the lines of communication ( the Lord willing and the creeks don't rise ), we stand a good chance of winning this battle, not the whole war yet, just this particular battle. I'm sure there will be more to come. The Lord has been very gracious in that He has helped me to finally be able to talk about things that were, are, extremely difficult. I have never been able to talk about my feelings before because of all the denial.
My wife has been somewhat amazed at the changes in me regarding my opening up and talking like never before. I think this change has had an immense impact on our relationship. To say her acceptance of any of this has been anything short of a miracle, is, well, unbelievable! Don't get me wrong, there's not total acceptance yet, but way more than I ever could have imagined. I have learned that she has known a lot more than she ever let on about my female side.
We are working very hard to make this work for us. I, for one, cannot imagine my life without my wife beside me. I have wasted far too much of our lives together due to denial and untruth. That is simply not acceptable any longer, and I am doing everything I possibly can to change that.
I have to take this moment to praise my wife for the way she has accepted, at least partially, this part of me. She, and the Lord Jesus, have been so Gracious to me.
Back to that box of tissues. I had hoped they wouldn't be necessary this time. I was wrong.
I'm going to end this post now, before I lose it altogether, but I will try to write more as often as I can in the future. It seems that I feel much freer to be myself in my writing, now that my life long secret is no longer that, a secret.
Hugs to one and all, and God Bless,