Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men"

The title says it all. At least from where I'm sitting.

I made mention of this in my last posting, so here are some of the details.

I had recently decided that I needed to write a letter to my wife. I didn't feel I could adequately explain my thoughts and feelings through speech. I'm just not very good at talking about personal things. Especially this: The secret that has been plaguing me for most of my life.

But...things didn't go according to plan. You know...'The best laid plans of mice and men.' It was either that one or 'Murphy's Law'.

The short of it...My wife now knows that I believe I am a woman...female...maybe I should probably just say girl. Haven't had time to mature into a woman yet. Baby steps first.    

Now, here's where the plans went astray.

It all happened after we watched that special on tv about some transgendered and transsexual children. My wife asked me why I wanted to watch this program. I said, rather sheepishly, I was just curious about it. She didn't say anything more at that time and she was real quiet during the show. Then, after the show ended, she asked me if that is what I wanted to be, a woman? Gasp! Wasn't expecting that question, but then I can be real naive. I inhaled and held my breath like never before. Somehow, I just couldn't lie and deny this issue any longer. I felt completely powerless to say anything other than the truth.

Something inside of me just kind of snapped and I let those fateful words out. [Deep inhale] I told my wife, "Not exactly something I want to be, but, Yes, I'm a female on the inside. That is what my heart and soul and brain have been telling me I am for as long as I can remember". I have been denying this for way too long and just plain skirting the issue. No pun intended. This was completely unplanned and unrehearsed. I honestly believe the Lord compelled me to finally tell the truth. I can't tell you how many years, and how many tears, I have cried up to this point. Honestly...I have been asking my Lord for forgiveness, not for who and what I am, but for lying and concealing the truth about who I really am...for a very, very, long time. I can tell you now, that I will never have to do that, ever again. There's a saying, actually a Bible verse, John 8:32 "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  I can certainly attest to that. Free to experience both happiness and sadness, all at the same time. But at least there aren't any lies or deception anymore. Praise the Lord!

I mentioned crying in a prior post. Well, I sat there crying my eyes out ( I cry at the drop of a hat anymore ), not because I was ashamed of who I am or anything like that. I'm not ashamed of anything, anymore. It's not my fault. All I felt was a flood of relief that I have never felt before in my life. I felt it...I really can't describe it anyway. My secret...Cynthia...had finally found her way out. She sure is a crafty gal ( but I already knew that ). Welcome home Cynthia! There was no turning back now. You can't take back what has, after a lifetime of denial, finally come out of your own mouth. 

Well, needless to say, things sort of hit the proverbial fan at this point. I won't tell you that she took this bit of news very well. I mean, here's my wife finding out that she has been married for forty years to a man (oops) who now says he believes he's a woman (female, anyway). How does any person take this kind of news? I don't even know how I would take this kind of news. Now, I'm not sure where this is all going, only the Lord knows the answers to that.

We have in a small way become closer because we are praying together more than ever and trying to share and understand each other's feelings about all of this. I can see that I've opened up a whole new and different way of life for us that is going to require a great deal of prayer...more than our usual.

I have believed, known, felt, whatever, that I am a female in the wrong body. I have felt this for most of my life, at least off and on. In reality, more off than on. I explained why the [ off ] in a prior post...a lot of denial, and now, too many tears to reiterate here. 

This turn of events has brought with it some extraordinary happenings, and they're not all good. But who wants to hear all that negativity? You all know the things I'm talking about anyway, we all seem to have experienced some things in common, and I'd rather talk about the good things that are beginning to happen. 

I'm not sure why, but my wife is actually okay with me starting to dress the way I have always dreamed of, that of the real me, at least at home. Up till now I have never worn women's outer clothing. Well, guess what? We have been shopping for some clothes for me. My wife has even bought a couple of things on her own and given them to me. Unbelievable! Nothing fancy or real feminine, just some simple basic items. Now feminine attire is not entirely new to our marriage as I have worn women's under garments for many years, sometimes a real source of contention between us, because I could never bring myself to tell my wife the truth about who I am, and why I to wear these items, until now. All of my life I denied it, and I buried it, accept for an occasional instance. I finally lost the battle against all that denial, for good. Again, Praise the Lord!

We are having some very good days and some not so very good days. Terrific grammar, huh. I believe if we can keep up the lines of communication ( the Lord willing and the creeks don't rise ), we stand a good chance of winning this battle, not the whole war yet, just this particular battle. I'm sure there will be more to come. The Lord has been very gracious in that He has helped me to finally be able to talk about things that were, are, extremely difficult. I have never been able to talk about my feelings before because of all the denial. 

My wife has been somewhat amazed at the changes in me regarding my opening up and talking like never before. I think this change has had an immense impact on our relationship. To say her acceptance of any of this has been anything short of a miracle, is, well, unbelievable! Don't get me wrong, there's not total acceptance yet, but way more than I ever could have imagined. I have learned that she has known a lot more than she ever let on about my female side.

We are working very hard to make this work for us. I, for one, cannot imagine my life without my wife beside me. I have wasted far too much of our lives together due to denial and untruth. That is simply not acceptable any longer, and I am doing everything I possibly can to change that. 

I have to take this moment to praise my wife for the way she has accepted, at least partially, this part of me. She, and the Lord Jesus, have been so Gracious to me.

Back to that box of tissues. I had hoped they wouldn't be necessary this time. I was wrong.

I'm going to end this post now, before I lose it altogether, but I will try to write more as often as I can in the future. It seems that I feel much freer to be myself in my writing, now that my life long secret is no longer that, a secret. 

Hugs to one and all, and God Bless,



  1. Hi Cynthia!

    I can see why you wanted to tell your wife via a letter; you write beautifully. And how wonderful that your wife is so accepting! She sounds like a very special person. What an amazing feeling it must be to not only finally have told the truth but to have her help you pick your wardrobe.

    I don't think you need to ask for forgiveness of anyone - except maybe yourself. (Believe me, I know whereof I speak! ) We can be so, so hard on ourselves. No one deserves to be in the position we find ourselves in, through no fault of our own, so you don't need to feel guilty anymore.

    Congratulations on your progress; can't wait to hear how things go as you move forward!


  2. Well, well, well...I must say I'm so happy you have finally come clean I totally understand your feelings, AND your wife's. My story is very similar to yours. I just want to give you a couple of pointers to help along the way.

    Your wife will have good days and bad days when it comes to dealing with Cynthia. I'm encouraged to see her helping you buy a few items. Just don't get discouraged when you see her struggling with your new presentation. There will be days when she will NEED to see her "Hubby." The closeness you both share with Christ can keep you together when nothing else can.

    Trust is paramount. My wife wrote me a letter telling me that she is so happy I'm not hiding anymore. I try to be as open and honest as I can...especially when I tell her how much I love her. As you discuss matters with your wife, be honest about your future plans as a woman. Do you want to transition or maybe start taking hormones? I have told my wife "no" because I feel it might become a deal breaker for us. Honest, heartfelt discussion and prayer are your first line of defense against animosity, distrust, jealousy (yes, jealousy), and fear of separating.

    I have found, over time, that as long as I remain long as I continue to reassure my wife that my love for her is unconditional and permanent, she is very, VERY tolerant of how I dress around the house.

    One other pointer...go slowly. Over time she will become accustomed to seeing you dressed or partially dressed. My wife nearly had a cow when I pierced my ears and kept them pierced. Now she will help me buy earrings that match outfits. It will be up to you to sense her level of acceptance at any particular time. For a while, her feelings and emotions about Cynthia will rise and fall. Over time she won't think twice about seeing you sitting around the house in a nightgown.

    Well, I have a ton of other pointers, but I don't want to take all of the suspense out of I know your emotions are raging right now, but joy in the fact that you no longer have to hide who you are. Praise Christ that your feelings of guilt can begin to fade. Cynthia's life is about to get better. I think you're right...Christ created the opportunity for you to open up to your wife when the time was right. Like you said, she has probably been thinking about it for a long time.

    Good luck sweetie!! Keep me informed.

  3. Hey girl. I'm glad you were able to tell your wife. That's a huge step. I'm glad you two are working through things too. Just be careful.

    Also, do not think that 'nobody wants the negativity'. Think of this blog as an avenue for you to share your thoughts and feelings, positive or negative. It's true, we know what it's like....but it helps to get it out and many of us can relate. *hugs*

  4. @Kelly, Suzi, Debra, I appreciate everything all of you have said. This has turned into the biggest event ever of our entire marriage, with the exception of the births of our children. Nothing tops that, but this is a very close second.

    Every day something new comes up, and we seem to be able to handle it. We know the Lord Jesus is intimately involved, otherwise we would be in a world of trouble right now, instead, we are in each other's arms. The Lord is so Gracious.

    Hugs to you all,

    Cynthia XX